Donald Trump plans to buy Islay

Islay News

The cousin of a friend of mine has an uncle who works in the White House who has a colleague who has access to the innermost circle of the American president. From him we’ve just learned about this most fascinating development:

Donald Trump is planning to buy Islay. All of it. The whole island.

Remember the story about Donald Trump wanting to buy Greenland? As you probably know that plan failed. So now Trump has set his sights elsewhere. And picked Islay. In a secret transcript Trump says:

Islay is such a tremendous island, it has the bestest whiskey in the whole world, Americans love it. Islay is hugely popular! When there’s a feature about Islay on the TV the ratings go up in England, it’s bigger than a Premier League game or Dance Off!! Amazing!!! So I’m going to buy it for America.

secret White House transcript

Trump is understood to have reached out to the Scottish and British government to negotiate the deal, believed to be worth in the trillions if Trump is successful with his outrageous bid. Trump also said:

This will be an amazing deal we will offer Scotchland. And once we’ve completed it I will proclaim my beautiful daughter Ivanka as the first queen of Islay. We will also introduce the proper spelling of whiskey to Islay and teach everyone how to best enjoy a stiff Islay scotch, with a nice big lump of fresh Alaskan ice!

secret White House transcript

This will certainly be a developing story to watch…..

Author: Armin Grewe

I blog about Islay.

30 thoughts on “Donald Trump plans to buy Islay”

  1. And then he’ll build a castle for Ivanka at Finlaggan surrounded by a 50ft high wall paid for, of course, by the Ileachs. 😁😁😁

  2. And why not? When locals complain in future about pot holes, crumbling roads he will just come on and say “Fake news, the roads are the best, in fact better than the best, the best I’ve ever seen”

  3. Greatly relieved. Self-quarantine has hijacked my command of the calendar. Just noted it was 1 April. I shall put my heart attack meds back on the shelf. Cheers.

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